Guys Weekend 2026: An Unfortunate, Yet Mandatory, Gathering

Alright, listen up, you degenerate pack of wolves. It’s that time again. Time for the event you’ve all been dreading (mostly because your wives already approved the dates): Guys Weekend 2026.

This year, we’re gracing the hallowed grounds of the SLECK FAMILY COTTAGE on May 15th, 16th, and 17th. I know, I know, May seems far away, but for some of you, that’s barely enough time to arrange for proper childcare or file a compelling case with your boss about “mental health days.”

For those of you with minimal spatial awareness (you know who you are), showing up by the 15th means being here on that day. However, for those seeking to maximize their time away from responsibility, feel free to arrive on the afternoon or evening of the 14th. Just don’t expect a welcoming parade.

The Activities: Fueling the Midlife Crisis

This year, we’re leaning heavily into the “pretending to be rugged outdoorsmen” vibe. We’ll be engaging in the noble sport of ATVing/UTVing. Now, we have two UTVs and maybe a couple of ATVs. This means exactly eight of you can ride in comfort (relatively). The rest of you? Well, I suggest bringing your own, or perhaps just practicing your sad face to manipulate someone out of their seat.

I have a route planned. It’s about 106 miles. Sounds ambitious, right? Yeah, I thought so too. We’ll see how far we actually get before someone complains their butt hurts or we have to stop for another “biological break.” Or, if that feels too taxing, we can always just do the same route as last year. You know, for old times’ sake. And because I can’t be bothered to plan anything else.

Fishing: An Exercise in Futility

Because some of you (I won’t name names, but they know who they are) keep bugging me, we might do some fishing. But here’s the crucial detail: you absolutely need a valid fishing license. This is especially directed at you “out of staters.” I will not be held responsible when a game warden tackles you while you’re trying to land a four-inch sunfish. Seriously, buy the damn license. It’s cheaper than a fine, and less embarrassing than being hauled off in cuffs.

Shooting: For Those Who Like to Be Loud and Inaccurate

We also have “shooting” on the menu. A generous friend has offered up his place, which suggests he hasn’t met most of you yet. Alternatively, we have other “places” for target practice. This is your chance to show off that expensive gun you bought but never use, or just generally make a lot of noise while achieving nothing. Great fun for everyone involved, especially the wildlife.

Logistics: Where We Drop Our Bodies

Sleeping arrangements. Ah, the eternal conundrum. I still need to figure that out, which is code for “I haven’t done a damn thing about it.” Here’s the plan: bring a sleeping bag. I might put some of you in the camper, but don’t count on it. I’ve heard rumors that some of you are considering bringing a tent. To you brave souls: may God have mercy on your backs.

Food: The Great Mystery Tour

Bring whatever food you want to consume. I’m not your caterer. However, I am planning on putting something on the smoker one day. Possibly ribs. Or something else that’s meat-like and hopefully edible. So, there might be one decent meal. For everything else, you’re on your own. Good luck.

Drinks: H2O? What’s That?

Bring your own alcohol. Full stop. I have a few things, but it’s certainly not enough to satisfy this thirsty crowd. For those seeking non-alcoholic hydration options: there’s plenty of water down at the lake. And it’s mostly clean, probably.

So there you have it. Mark your calendars. Prepare your excuses. And most importantly, lower your expectations. See you on the 15th. Or the 14th. Whatever.